Have I Failed Them?!

Ever since Cassandra left us, not a day we don't think of her or not miss her. No matter how many days have passed my love for her only continue to grow with time and I miss her even more than before. :(

As fast as I tried to move on and as much as I tried to be happy again, I just can't help thinking, 'Have I failed them?!', Today not sure why suddenly I feel that perhaps I have failed baby Cassandra and Keith. I know people who had premies born around the same gestation or earlier than Cassandra and yet they made it. And one of the factor because their babies were not underweight when they were born and they didn't really have any other complication. For Cassandra, overall her vital signs were good but she was slightly underweight. And perhaps because of that she was subjected to more invasive procedures which led to underlying infections that no one detected.

Perhaps I shouldn't have listened to the lady. Perhaps I should have continue to take maternal milk during my whole pregnancy. Then maybe she wouldn't be underweight and things would be different.

Maybe.

I know it's pointless to think about all these because I can never rewind and redo anything.

Sigh....

Emotional Trip

Due to my previous pregnancy complication, I was transferred from a private hospital to a government hospital. Hence, my normal gynae that I was seeing didn't know about Cassandra passing. I decided to make a trip to see my gynae as to update him about Cassandra and to check how my internal wound is healing.

So Keith and I went to the hospital yesterday and as usual the nurse would take my weight and blood pressure. Right after the nurse strapped on the blood pressure monitor on me, she asked where was my baby as she saw on the record my EDD was on 29th Aug 2014. I simply replied:"My baby is with God". She was shock and silent for a few seconds then she offered her sympathy and continued to ask me more questions as she needs to record it in my file. Needless to say, I got emotional and my eyes got teary while answering a few direct and straight forward questions about Cassandra. And then the blood pressure reading came out, my blood pressure was elevated and that was the first time I witnessed how our emotional condition could affect our BP. And I had an acid re-flux too due to the distress.

Saw my gynae and Keith did most of the talking as I was rather emotional after talking to the nurse. My internal wound was checked and it has healed well according to my doctor. We also checked with him when is it safe for us to try conceiving again and what are the preventive measures needed for the next pregnancy.

Honestly, I have been braving myself to talk about Cassandra when people ask about her 'death' and I must say no matter how many times I talk about it, I still feel sad and the pain has not gotten any lesser. But then again, I like to have someone ask and talk about our little angel coz I feel happy and proud whenever I talk about her. :)

Celebrating the Love of My Life

4th Nov - Today, is the 39th birthday of my beloved hubby, Keith. I am so happy and looking forward to celebrate many more birthdays with him. :) We had a very nice dinner at Vin's Restaurant & Bar in TTDI. At the end of our dinner, they actually sent us a surprise birthday cake (Chocolate truffle with ice cream). The cake was good and the beef ribs and steak we had were superb too. Glad to see my darling enjoyed his day. :)


4th Nov - Today, Cassandra turns 4 months old in heaven. I just miss her so much every minute of every day. Can't shake off the sad feeling especially when I'm on my way home after work every time. How I wish we have our lovely girl to come home to everyday. :(

Life is so unpredictable hence we must always appreciate every moment of our lives.