I Had A Dream....

4th Feb 2015 - Happy 7th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Mommy has not dream about you for quite a while but that doesn't mean I think or miss you any less. You see we human memories fade over time and in order not to risk forgetting the dreams I had about you, mommy gonna write it all down.

1st dream

This happened few days after you've gone to heaven. Mommy looking down at you from 2nd floor and saw you sleeping. I went down trying to get a better look of you and to snap some photos. When I reached you I accidentally knocked down the suitcase you were laying in and the suitcase closed up with you inside. I picked up the suitcase immediately but when I open the suitcase, you were different. What I saw was a bloated and foul smelling baby corpse. I was so sad but when I woke up from that dream, I know that was you trying to tell mommy not to hold on to you as you are gone and what left was the rotten flesh.

2nd dream

I was holding you in my arms and you were looking back and smiled at me. No word is good enough to describe how happy I felt at that moment.

3rd dream

I was back at the hospital talking and showing your photos to the obstetrician who help delivered you. The OB then whipped out his mobile phone and start showing me few of your pics he secretly took. So happy!

  

4th dream

You've grown. You were a 1 year plus toddler just started to stand and walk. You were so adorable ad looked so sweet in that cute little dress. :)

Mommy have been wishing to dream of you but all I dreamed about were either super weird dreams or related to work. I hope you are not disappointed with mommy as I have been secretly crying almost every day after seeing birth announcement on FB, or after hearing colleagues talked about their babies, or after reading sad news on how good people are killed in tragic manners, etc. All these make mommy think about you and miss you a lot.

Sometimes, I feel like not knowing your actual caused of death really unsettling but I just had to accept it because if I could turn back time I still wouldn't want the autopsy done because I just can't bear to have your body cut up. You looked so perfect. You were perfect.

Mommy love you always.