9th Month

4th April 2015 - Happy 9th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Daddy was asking what would you like if you are with us at 9th month old? Mommy told daddy you would be crawling around and start exploring things around you. :)

There's not a day we don't think about you and your cute little face and gestures when we watched you sleep would always stay in our mind.

Love You Much!!

Miss You Much

Dear Cassandra,

Mommy dreamt of you last night. You were looking fair and chubby. Daddy and mommy were playing with you and you were laughing so happily. I can still vaguely hear your laughter even so many hours after the dream.

Mommy shared with daddy about the dream. I was laughing and smiling while telling daddy about how you were and suddenly I heard a voice in my head saying, "but it was just a dream". Right at the moment I couldn't hold back my tears. Daddy immediately wrapped mommy in his arms and tried his best to comfort mommy. But I know daddy misses you very much too and he was also feeling sad when he was hugging mommy.

Your daddy is a great man. He is loving, kind, caring, humble, ambitious and etc.  He has so much good in him. The most important thing is daddy loves and care for mommy loads. And daddy loves you much too. I am so glad we have each other and we are proud to be your parents. :)

Will we really get to see you again like everyone said? We will never stop talking about you and we will always miss you our precious baby girl.

Love you always,

Mommy and Daddy

A Little Regret

4th March 2015 - Happy 8th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Time passes really fast. It has been exactly 8 months since I gave birth to Cassandra. There's not a day I do not think about her and there's no exception today.

A moment ago I had a flashed back on the day she passed. While holding her in my arms heartbroken I asked the nurse (or was it Keith who asked the question?) how soon do they need to transfer our baby girl to the morgue and I remember the nurse replied not more than 2 hours. I only held Cassandra for a short few minutes and soon passed her over to the med team. 

A sense of regret hit me real hard today and I hope that I held her much longer that day. But I've missed the chance and she is long gone.

Life is so unfair. 

Although I've accepted she is gone and move on, I still feel sad, happy, proud, loved and blessed all at the same time whenever I think of our baby. Yes, there are always mixed feelings when you think about your loss child. 

8 months down the road, does the pain gets lesser? The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'. For most days I can breeze through without feeling sad when I think of Cassandra. But there are moments once in a while where the pain is so overwhelming that I find myself choking for air when I cry.

Missing you, Cassandra. 

I Wish We Never Know

Came across this blog today and it really hits the spot. Couldn't have express the feeling better myself.

I wish that we never have to know about this feeling but unfortunately Keith & I do. :(

Ever word in this blog is piercing right through the core of my heart.

https://cullensblessings.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/i-hope-that-you-never-know/

I Had A Dream....

4th Feb 2015 - Happy 7th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Mommy has not dream about you for quite a while but that doesn't mean I think or miss you any less. You see we human memories fade over time and in order not to risk forgetting the dreams I had about you, mommy gonna write it all down.

1st dream

This happened few days after you've gone to heaven. Mommy looking down at you from 2nd floor and saw you sleeping. I went down trying to get a better look of you and to snap some photos. When I reached you I accidentally knocked down the suitcase you were laying in and the suitcase closed up with you inside. I picked up the suitcase immediately but when I open the suitcase, you were different. What I saw was a bloated and foul smelling baby corpse. I was so sad but when I woke up from that dream, I know that was you trying to tell mommy not to hold on to you as you are gone and what left was the rotten flesh.

2nd dream

I was holding you in my arms and you were looking back and smiled at me. No word is good enough to describe how happy I felt at that moment.

3rd dream

I was back at the hospital talking and showing your photos to the obstetrician who help delivered you. The OB then whipped out his mobile phone and start showing me few of your pics he secretly took. So happy!

  

4th dream

You've grown. You were a 1 year plus toddler just started to stand and walk. You were so adorable ad looked so sweet in that cute little dress. :)

Mommy have been wishing to dream of you but all I dreamed about were either super weird dreams or related to work. I hope you are not disappointed with mommy as I have been secretly crying almost every day after seeing birth announcement on FB, or after hearing colleagues talked about their babies, or after reading sad news on how good people are killed in tragic manners, etc. All these make mommy think about you and miss you a lot.

Sometimes, I feel like not knowing your actual caused of death really unsettling but I just had to accept it because if I could turn back time I still wouldn't want the autopsy done because I just can't bear to have your body cut up. You looked so perfect. You were perfect.

Mommy love you always. 

What About Migraine?

I was hit by a very severe migraine few days ago and the pain was excruciating. It brought back so many painful memories in the past. I was a frequent migraine sufferer in the past and it often last for days to weeks. I was almost migraine free... yup I said almost because I only had mild migraine 2-3 times a year which only lasted for 1-2 days in the past say 3-4 years before I was pregnant.

People often see committing suicide is an act of cowardliness. I can assured you that to kill oneself you need even greater courage to do so. Well, I am not speaking from a 'been there done that" standpoint. Obviously I have not 'done that' or else I wouldn't be writing this post. But I have certainly 'been there', as I had numerous suicidal thoughts before.

Now please do not get all surprised and alarmed that I will attempt such act, ever. If I had the courage I would have done it years ago, but no, I didn't have the gut then and I don't have it now either, so I'm just gonna manage it as it comes. For people who never experience migraine, I must say you are really lucky and for those who do you know how painful it can be. Many a time in the past I really felt like hitting my head against the wall and wished the pain and the suffering would end just like that. Oh well, like I said, I didn't have the gut to do it.

I was telling Keith the other day and it was the very first time I ever confessed to him that I am very afraid each time I get hit by the severe migraine attack. I am afraid that my vain would just pop and I would just gone within seconds without saying goodbye to my loved ones. There were many times when I was having the severe migraine attack, while laying on my bed I was so afraid to shut my eyes fearing that I may not ever wake up.

There were many things could trigger the migraine. For me it could be smell, weather, food, stress or maybe hormone change. I don't know what caused the migraine to lessen tremendously in the past and what trigger it to happen again now. Since 1st Jan 2015 to date, I already have about 4-5 migraine attacks. The strange thing was as often as I used to get migraine, I never bother to goggle it up and find out more about it. I had a CT scan done before at one point because Keith was so worried that I may have a tumor growing in my brain that was causing all the pain. And of course the result was clean. Hope this migraine attack will not be a regular occurrence again though. :(

These time I decided to study a little more about this illness that have haunted me for more than two decades. Doctors usually prescribe painkiller or muscle relaxant for this disease but both meds only help to relieve the pain and the effect for me is usually short lived, hence I don't bother to take any med unless I can no longer stand the pain or if it prolonged. Ultimately, the best way to treat a migraine or severe headache is just, sleep.

Following are some links if you are interested to find out more about this disorder/disease.

About Migraine
http://health.howstuffworks.com/diseases-conditions/headache/migraine1.htm
http://www.migrainetrust.org/understanding-and-managing-migraine
http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/natural-remedies/migraine-causes-and-cures
http://www.prevention.com/health/brain-games/breaking-migraines-change-your-brain-44

Treating Migraine
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1275419/Best-cure-migraine-headaches-cup-coffee-two.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Treat-a-Migraine

As Life Continues....

4th Jan 2015 - Happy 6th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra. 

It's a brand new year of 2015 and everyone is hoping for a new beginning and a better year ahead.

Before baby Cassandra grew her wings I have decided to only have one child (biological one) and if we plan to have more we will adopt one. It wasn't because I was afraid that my body shape would changed but I was weary about the risk and complication associate with pregnancy and childbirth, But with Cassandra gone (to heaven), I would like to try to conceive again and No, he/she will not be a replacement child. No one could replace the child we have loss. We simply want to have a living child who is of our flesh and blood with our genes. And if it ever feels right, we will still adopt another child.

I've been secretly hoping and praying (well it's not a secret now) that we will have a pair of identical or fraternal twins (different gender) from my next pregnancy. I felt so happy when I woke up this morning as I shared with Keith because I dreamed that we were with our twins! :) I know it was just a dream but it was OK for at least I felt the joy and contentment during that short period of time.

I hope that dream and my prayer will really come true and I know that if it's meant to be it will turn into reality and angel Cassandra will be there to watch over her daddy, mommy and her future little sister and/or brother.

Miss you much as always baby Cassandra. Daddy and mommy will never stop loving you.