It is OK to grief. Really.... there is nothing to be ashamed of and it is certainly not a taboo where people should avoid talking about. And if you are a grieving parents, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, for they do not know what they are talking about.
Only people who have gone through the same as us would know how it feels to lose our own child. Even people who are parents themselves would not understand even though some may claimed that they know/understand how we feel simply because they are parents. The actual fact is, they don't. Period. And I wish they would never have to find out. It is something I wouldn't even wish on my enemy (not that I have any).
I am not alone. We are not alone. All of us would go through all kinds of losses in our lives. Personally, I have experience the loss of grandparents, father, relatives and friends but none of it come close to the pain of losing Cassandra, our child. :(
You know there are many grieving parents blogged about the Dos and Don't, the 'What and What Not to Say to Grieving Parents' which I believe it was all 'inspired' or 'sparked' by all the people who think they know better and offer bunch of sincere and good intended but Crappy advises. I won't go there in details so if you are interested you may google it and have a good read, it will save yourself from being secretly curse and swear at by those grieving parents. I'm not joking.
Some people think that there is an expiration date when comes to grief. 2 months after you lose your kid, someone come and tell you "I know it's not easy but you must learn to let go and move on.". Seriously when I hear that I get really upset... but... I can't blame any of them because they really don't know what they are saying. Everyone griefs differently. Some may take longer time than the others. Some may draw strength from their grief and empowered to help others. And of course there are some may head to destruction and ended up losing their job, health, relationships, marriage, etc.
For many who are close to me and know my true nature, I believe many have thought that I must be very fragile and wouldn't be able to take this sad and tragic incident well. Well, neither did I.
But if you know any of my family members, ask them, and they will tell you how amazingly strong and calm I was and still am since the day Cassandra passed on. I am not boasting. I have really surprise myself by the strength I have since day one. I was heartbroken, I was torn, I felt so helpless and hopeless for not being able to do anything to bring our baby back to life.
I cried my eyes out when I hold our angel baby Cassandra in my arms for the first and last time... but I was composed. I did not go hysterical. I could even tell funny stories and jokes about my experience in the hospital to my family members while waiting for the NICU team to prepare Cassandra to be sent to the morgue.
And of course for the subsequent days after that I would cry whenever I think of her but I make sure I eat well and rest well for I know while grieving the loss of my precious daughter, I must also take care of myself because I still have so many loved ones around me. I wasn't the only one who are grieving (of course my pain would surpass everyone in the family), I know everyone in the family are heartbroken as well. The grandparents who loss their granddaughter, the aunts who loss their niece and of course Keith who has also loss his precious daughter.
At first I tried to bottled everything inside (what I do best in normal circumstances) and not sharing or telling anyone how I feel because I know what some people would say to me but then I realize such grief (the loss of a child) is not something I can handle alone. It is very different from everything I have ever felt before and if I am not careful, I know I will slip into depression, obsession and perhaps self destruction. And then I slowly open up a little. I start to message a few friends whom I know although they have never experience what I have gone through, they would not be judgy but just listen (or read) whatever I need to vent just to release my frustrations.
What I am trying to say here is.. please don't and never deny anyone to grief. It's our rights and it's a process that we need to go through. While saying that, of course if you see anyone you know (if you are very close to that person) grieving in a way that brought negativity and destruction to any aspect of his/her life, then by all means try to intervene and help them. But if they are doing their best to live well, if they are able to function like everyone else, they can still joke, laugh, smile and not doing anything that will harm their life in any way, then please... respect them and let them be.
If they want to talk about the child they have loss, let them. If they want to post anything In FB or their blog) in regards to their angels, let them. Don't straight away jump off your chair and tell them things like "I know it is sad but you need to move on" or "you must learn to let it go" (unless it is excessive then something is not right). Sometimes, talking about their angels and mentioned their name could bring comforts to the grieving parents. And I'm one of them. :)
People who can't let go and can't move on would not be able to function well in their daily lives and I do no such thing. :)
In regards to the video I posted asking help to photoshop angel baby Cassandra photos and to draw our family portraits, I know some people have mistakenly think and see me as just a grieving mother who's trying hard to hold on to what I have loss and can't move on, but that's so not true.
I did what I did because I know it helps me to heal.
I hope from what I did it would also send a positive message out there to tell people that it is really OK to grief and not let others to tell you otherwise. I think the most important thing here is to 'Grief Positively' and do something that would help in our healing in the process.
Just be supportive and be there. Sometimes by not saying anything is the best comfort you could offer.
I do not seek sympathy from anyone. I am not a tough person by nature but I am stronger than I look (emotionally). So please do not for one second think that I am not willing to move on and start giving me all kind of crappy advise coz I really don't want to curse you in my heart. :P
Love and Peace to All. :)
Only people who have gone through the same as us would know how it feels to lose our own child. Even people who are parents themselves would not understand even though some may claimed that they know/understand how we feel simply because they are parents. The actual fact is, they don't. Period. And I wish they would never have to find out. It is something I wouldn't even wish on my enemy (not that I have any).
I am not alone. We are not alone. All of us would go through all kinds of losses in our lives. Personally, I have experience the loss of grandparents, father, relatives and friends but none of it come close to the pain of losing Cassandra, our child. :(
You know there are many grieving parents blogged about the Dos and Don't, the 'What and What Not to Say to Grieving Parents' which I believe it was all 'inspired' or 'sparked' by all the people who think they know better and offer bunch of sincere and good intended but Crappy advises. I won't go there in details so if you are interested you may google it and have a good read, it will save yourself from being secretly curse and swear at by those grieving parents. I'm not joking.
Some people think that there is an expiration date when comes to grief. 2 months after you lose your kid, someone come and tell you "I know it's not easy but you must learn to let go and move on.". Seriously when I hear that I get really upset... but... I can't blame any of them because they really don't know what they are saying. Everyone griefs differently. Some may take longer time than the others. Some may draw strength from their grief and empowered to help others. And of course there are some may head to destruction and ended up losing their job, health, relationships, marriage, etc.
For many who are close to me and know my true nature, I believe many have thought that I must be very fragile and wouldn't be able to take this sad and tragic incident well. Well, neither did I.
But if you know any of my family members, ask them, and they will tell you how amazingly strong and calm I was and still am since the day Cassandra passed on. I am not boasting. I have really surprise myself by the strength I have since day one. I was heartbroken, I was torn, I felt so helpless and hopeless for not being able to do anything to bring our baby back to life.
I cried my eyes out when I hold our angel baby Cassandra in my arms for the first and last time... but I was composed. I did not go hysterical. I could even tell funny stories and jokes about my experience in the hospital to my family members while waiting for the NICU team to prepare Cassandra to be sent to the morgue.
And of course for the subsequent days after that I would cry whenever I think of her but I make sure I eat well and rest well for I know while grieving the loss of my precious daughter, I must also take care of myself because I still have so many loved ones around me. I wasn't the only one who are grieving (of course my pain would surpass everyone in the family), I know everyone in the family are heartbroken as well. The grandparents who loss their granddaughter, the aunts who loss their niece and of course Keith who has also loss his precious daughter.
At first I tried to bottled everything inside (what I do best in normal circumstances) and not sharing or telling anyone how I feel because I know what some people would say to me but then I realize such grief (the loss of a child) is not something I can handle alone. It is very different from everything I have ever felt before and if I am not careful, I know I will slip into depression, obsession and perhaps self destruction. And then I slowly open up a little. I start to message a few friends whom I know although they have never experience what I have gone through, they would not be judgy but just listen (or read) whatever I need to vent just to release my frustrations.
What I am trying to say here is.. please don't and never deny anyone to grief. It's our rights and it's a process that we need to go through. While saying that, of course if you see anyone you know (if you are very close to that person) grieving in a way that brought negativity and destruction to any aspect of his/her life, then by all means try to intervene and help them. But if they are doing their best to live well, if they are able to function like everyone else, they can still joke, laugh, smile and not doing anything that will harm their life in any way, then please... respect them and let them be.
If they want to talk about the child they have loss, let them. If they want to post anything In FB or their blog) in regards to their angels, let them. Don't straight away jump off your chair and tell them things like "I know it is sad but you need to move on" or "you must learn to let it go" (unless it is excessive then something is not right). Sometimes, talking about their angels and mentioned their name could bring comforts to the grieving parents. And I'm one of them. :)
People who can't let go and can't move on would not be able to function well in their daily lives and I do no such thing. :)
In regards to the video I posted asking help to photoshop angel baby Cassandra photos and to draw our family portraits, I know some people have mistakenly think and see me as just a grieving mother who's trying hard to hold on to what I have loss and can't move on, but that's so not true.
I did what I did because I know it helps me to heal.
I hope from what I did it would also send a positive message out there to tell people that it is really OK to grief and not let others to tell you otherwise. I think the most important thing here is to 'Grief Positively' and do something that would help in our healing in the process.
Just be supportive and be there. Sometimes by not saying anything is the best comfort you could offer.
I do not seek sympathy from anyone. I am not a tough person by nature but I am stronger than I look (emotionally). So please do not for one second think that I am not willing to move on and start giving me all kind of crappy advise coz I really don't want to curse you in my heart. :P
Love and Peace to All. :)
2 comments:
I lost my special child 3 years ago and am still grieving. You are right that no one would understand the pain of losing their own flesh & blood unless they have experienced the loss them self. I don't go around weeping & seeking sympathy but once in a while I do shed some tears when I am alone. Time don't heal..and even if I moved on with my life it doesn't mean that my pain has subsided. It's more like parking it aside to make way for other challenges in life.
Hi dear, I'm so sorry for your loss. Spot on! Sending you love and prayers. God bless. :)
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