the fear of death

I used to think that I do not fear death...... all I thought was that I merely don't want to die young as there are many things in life I've have not done, many places I've not visited, many books I have not read, many wonderful things I have not try out, I want to spend as much time as possible with my beloved, and etc.

I thought as long as I get to live life to its full and experience all the wonderful things, there is nothing to be afraid of, even death. I was so wrong. I've no doubt overrate my courage to confront death. A trip to Muar & Melaka over the weekend had certainly changed all that.

Surely I have seen graveyards in KL & PJ areas whenever I travel around. However, in Muar & Melaka, the graveyards are like everywhere and it’s so near to the road. When we passed by the Muslim’s graveyard, the tomb stones were so close to each other (like few inches away from each other). As far as I know, each tomb stone is meant for one corpse and by the look of the position of all the tomb stones, it seems like the bodies are being buried almost the same spot.

I started to ponder and asked Keith, "How on earth they buried the bodies? You can see each tomb stone is so close to each other."

"Well, probably just right next to each other very closely", Keith replied, "Or rather on top of each other?!" I blurted out. That's when the thought strikes me, and all the ugly and scary visuals of corpses being dumped in to the hole and stacked on top of each other started playing in my head.

The fear gushed through me and I started to imagine my own lifeless body being dumped in the hole or being cremated. How poignant is that when we are alive, every part of our body is so precious and we take good care of it, but when we are dead, our body become some sort of rotten waste that meant to be tossed away.

My fear do not come from the death itself coz when I'm dead, there will be nothing left except my spirit, but what frighten me the most is that how my body will be dispose of and the visuals seems so excruciating to me. Ya ya, I know after I'm dead I won't feel the pain or anything but I just can't accept the fact that my body will be burn or bury away like the rubbish that we discard everyday.

Sigh....I know this is depressing stuff but I just can't help thinking about it. Sorry if you feel sick or start to feel fear after reading this post.

I've no doubt I'll be able to age gracefully but to face death, now that is another story.

I suddenly become very Kia-Si now (means afraid to die in Hokkien). But sadly, no one can be immortal.