Just Me....

I kind of wrote something somewhat similar to my today’s post last year but due to my own stupidity the entire content which I’ve worked on for almost a week was wiped out.

Anyway, a conversation with my colleague, C, over lunch & after the comments I heard from my manager for my performance review impelled me to write about this again. It was small talks here and there about my youngest sis, S, the upbringing of my siblings & I, my childhood, my notion of not to have children as well as the feedbacks about me from some colleagues.

People always perceive me as a very soft, pampered, dependant & confident person. I must say looks can be really deceiving. No doubt I am a soft spoken, soft hearted, emotional, and sensitive being but beneath all that, lives an independent, strong will, rational, humble & a little low self esteem me.

I was born a very timid yet cheerful girl who preferred to sing rather than talk. I was very quiet and more like a loner most of the time during my early days. As both my parents were working, thus I was taken care by different nannies during my early childhood until I was placed at my grannies when I was 5. My happiest childhood moment was during the 2 years (when I was age 5 & 6) when my younger cousin who is 1 year my junior was with me.

I used to walk to school everyday hence my skin was really dark due to the sun burn. Besides, my nose was much flatter then; so I was being dubbed the ‘ugly duckling’. People used to compared & commented about my appearance and I was shameful about the way I look and I blamed my mom for it. I really hated that when people started to compare my look with my cousins, friends & my sister right in front of me. Well, I know I am ugly, point taken, furthermore, I didn’t ever said nor thought that I was pretty so I wonder why those people were so mean, why must they said those mean things right to my face?!?!

I have an aunt whom I used to stayed with in my grannies's place and she liked to command me to do all the housework while she herself hardly lifted a finger. As she is the youngest child, thus my grannies really pampered her. Despite of me being the one who did most of the housework, I was often compared with other people and I was called ‘lazy’.

I used to being left alone by my grannies & my aunt during my primary school years. The longest record was 1 month when my grannies went to China & my aunt went to Singapore for holiday. They stocked up the freezer with all the beef burger patties for me and I just lived on that for breakfast, lunch & dinner for 1 month. Even teenagers these days would not be left alone for 1 week by the parents let alone I was only in my primary years at that time.

Because of what I’ve been through in my early days, I had no confidence, ashamed of my appearance, hardly mixed around and lived like someone else’s shadow. In short, if not for my gift in singing, I would have lived through my lives unnoticed. It was my singing that gained me the attention. I used to be a clever little sweet talker to my teachers during my primary one & two days but, as I grow up and confronted with more unpleasant things in life, I became very reserved & only had very small circle of friends.

As the eldest child in the family and because I was always being the last option for everyone, be it family, relatives or friends, thus even at a very young age. I knew that I was pretty much on my own and I could not depend on anyone else except myself coz I was not loved as much as compared to my sisters, cousins or friends. Hence, I was very independent ever since I was like 8 years old.

I started to open up myself to more people when I started my college days as I find that when I was trapped in the classroom with some classmates without having any conversation, it seemed & felt very weird & awkward. I was very reserved & shy but at the same time I was (am) also a very friendly person, that’s when I decided to changed myself, to open up and to be more outspoken. I learned to take initiative to talk to strangers when I attend seminars or courses. From there, I slowly built up my self esteem when I face strangers.

No one would expect me to have such childhood as I’m always looking cheerful and I seems like a much pampered person (at least to some of my colleagues). Well, that’s because I chose to be happy. I know and I understand that no matter how unhappy a childhood I had, it is nothing compare to those kids living in the third world countries. At least I do have some people who really loved me and appreciated me as who I am, I had enough food to eat everyday, a roof to stayed, ample clothes to keep me warm, adequate education supported by my parents enough to landed me some decent & prospective jobs.

I always believe what goes around comes around, if we want people to respect us, we have to respect others and we have to earn the respect. If we want people to be kind to us, we first, must be kind to others. We don’t always face nice people, there are many inconsiderate people in this world who only cares about themselves, but I strongly believe that if people are unkind to us, we need not go down to their level and do the same, coz I always believe they will be judge by God at the end of the day.

I am quite a typical Virgo whom is very critical and picky, and I’m only human. Every now & then I do like to criticize people on certain things, however, I do know about my shortcomings and I never criticize people if I am not doing it right myself, ok, not that it justify me to criticize others if I do, but to me, if one does not lead by example, he/she has totally no position to criticize others while they are doing the same. It simply doesn’t make sense, coz they only end up cursing themselves as well, agree?

I was kind of upset earlier when I heard about what my manager told me regarding some feedbacks from some colleagues. They commented that they were not happy and find me in no position to question them on certain things. My manager said that it could be the way I talked that made people felt that I was showing off my authority as an administrator. I was kind of upset at that time, thus I didn’t responded much (coz my brain just wasn’t working).

But now I’ve calm down and no longer upset, I want to clarify something here, my gosh, everyone who knows me can tell that I am never a bossy person, and I am the last person who knows how to make use of my authority (that’s why my ex- assistants also climbed over my head). I always talk to people the humble & polite way and I always like to use those buddy approach when I talk to people to lighten up the atmosphere. And the most important thing is, I am just there to do my job under the instructions of my superior. However, some people took it personally and got offended. Oh well, I know sometimes no matter how hard we try, we can never please everyone, so as long as I know I've done my best and it is for everyone's good, I have no regrets at all.

That was just a small unhappy part but I was also told that I had received many praises from my fellow colleagues as they recognized how hard I struggled and worked through my ways to get things done and my effort are being appreciated. Hmmm….at least my hard work did not go in vain. As long as I know my efforts are being appreciated, that would be good enough for me.

I’m not a person who likes to study, so academic wise there is really nothing to shout about. I am not a person who crave for corporate power thus I am pretty much happy with where I am and where I’m heading to (actually not very sure where am I heading to at this point), although, with my upbringing, my education background and all the experience I’ve been through in the past, I am very proud of what I have achieved so far as an individual.

There are still many things for me to to learn in life and I will continue to better myself as a wife, a friend, a daughter/in law, a sister, an aunt, an employee, and whatever roles I’m playing in this life.

As long as I’ve done my best, and hurt no one, I have no regrets!