4th Feb
2015 - Happy 7th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.
Mommy
has not dream about you for quite a while but that doesn't mean I think or miss
you any less. You see
we human memories fade over time and in order not to risk forgetting the
dreams I had about you, mommy gonna write it all down.
1st
dream
This
happened few days after you've gone to heaven. Mommy looking down at you from
2nd floor and saw you sleeping. I went down trying to get a better look of you
and to snap some photos. When I reached you I accidentally knocked down the
suitcase you were laying in and the suitcase closed up with you inside. I
picked up the suitcase immediately but when I open the suitcase, you were
different. What I saw was a bloated and foul smelling baby corpse. I was so sad
but when I woke up from that dream, I know that was you trying to tell mommy
not to hold on to you as you are gone and what left was the rotten flesh.
2nd dream
I was
holding you in my arms and you were looking back and smiled at me. No word is
good enough to describe how happy I felt at that moment.
3rd
dream
I was
back at the hospital talking and showing your photos to the obstetrician who help
delivered you. The OB then whipped out his mobile phone and start showing me
few of your pics he secretly took. So happy!
4th dream
You've grown. You were a 1 year plus toddler just started
to stand and walk. You were so adorable ad looked so sweet in that cute little
dress. :)
Mommy have been wishing to dream of you but all I dreamed about were either super weird dreams or related to work. I hope you are not
disappointed with mommy as I have been secretly crying almost every day after
seeing birth announcement on FB, or after hearing colleagues talked about their
babies, or after reading sad news on how good people are killed in tragic
manners, etc. All these make mommy think about you and miss you a lot.
Sometimes, I feel like not knowing your actual caused of
death really unsettling but I just had to accept it because if I could turn
back time I still wouldn't want the autopsy done because I just can't bear to have
your body cut up. You looked so perfect. You were perfect.
Mommy love you always.
