Why? Just Why?

I don't understand........ Why must our baby be taken away from us?

Does God really has better plan for us? If yes, why couldn't the plan not involve snatching away our precious daughter? :(

Was there really something wrong with her? There was no indication of any health problem with her. She looked so perfect. She was Perfect.

Was it infection? Was it heart failure? Was she being discovered a little too late? She was progressing so well until that dreadful day. :( What really went wrong?!?

I know I can never stop thinking and asking WHY? WHY? WHY? A question that we will never get the answer. :'(

Due Date

Today is actually the original EDD (estimated due date). I know it is not really significant as it is just an estimation and often inaccurate.

Just wish that Cassandra is still in my womb and all of that happened is not real. Wish it was just a horrible nightmare and when I wake up, she is right in my arms.

But she is forever gone and that is the reality. We will never get to hold her in our arms, never get to hold her hands, never get to teach her all the good values we have in us, never get to sing with her,  never get to see her attend school, never get to see her grow up, get married and have a family of her own. :(

The Life We Will Never Have

I've been thinking and imagining a lot about how our lives would be now and in the coming future if Cassandra is still with us, alive. :(

Hubby & I was watching a show 'School of Rocks' on TV this evening seeing a bunch of kids performing in the show. My hubby suddenly tearing a little (real man is not afraid to show his true feeling) and instantly I know what was in his mind and I started tearing too. He too was thinking about the same thing as I am, the Life we will never have with her. :(

Men do grief differently from women but nonetheless the father who loss his child is in pain and heartbroken as well. I know how my hubby really feels although he hardly show much emotion when he meets other people even with our immediate family members. Same goes to me. No matter how heartbroken we are and how much we morn and cry when no one sees us, we would put up a smile in front of others. Only those who are in our shoes would truly understand how we feel and to those who are not, though they truly sympathise with what we are going through but crying and grieving in front of them would only make them uncomfortable. The truth is there is no way to comfort such pain. Period. People always say things like 'God has better plan for you' or 'she is in a better place now', on one hand it sort of comforting (but it's short live) but on the other hand it does not ease the sorrow sowed deep in our heart and mind.

Many years ago when a close friend asked why wouldn't we want kid as she feels that a marriage without children is incomplete. I still remember my reply to her, 'No, we don't feel any incompleteness as we are extremely happy with what we have between us so we do not need a child. We are Complete'. It was true then, right up to the day I found out I was pregnant, or to be more precise, the day Cassandra was born. She has open a 'door' in our hearts and we are forever changed. And yes, with her gone now, there in a 'void' in both our hearts. I'm not sure if we will be bless with another child and even if we do, the 'void' will still be there as she is irreplaceable.

I know she is forever gone and nothing can bring her back, and yes I have accepted the cruel fact the day she received her wings. And yet I find myself asking sillily everyday 'Can I have my baby back?'. There will always be good and rough times and I know it will stay this way as long as we live. 

Love You.... Always Will Be

Found out I was pregnant few days before Christmas last year. Keith and I were really happy and excited about it as we finally decided to start a family after 11 years of marriage and couple-hood. I have never written down any thoughts during the entire pregnancy as I thought to just keep all the thoughts and memories in my heart and mind. Following is the summary of my pregnancy.

21 June 2014 :
- My amnio sac torn. Diagnosed with PPROM at week 29. On bed rest since.

04 July 2014 :
- Increased reading of CRP and WBC. An emergency C-sect was ordered by MFM.
- Delivered our little angel, Cassandra Long Sze Yi at week 31 at 2:35 p.m.
- Cassandra was found anaemic at point of delivery. 2 blood transfusion were done. Other vital signs were good.
- Cassandra was doing well progressively as days go by.

14 July 2014 :
- Cassandra condition suddenly took a down hill turn and she received her wings at 4:20 p.m.

15 July 2014 :
- Had a memorial service for Cassandra. Her body was cremated at Nirvana Memorial Park. Family and friends attended to see Cassandra for the first and last time.

16 July 2014 :
- First time dreamed of my angel daughter, Cassandra since she has gone to heaven.
- Collected and scattered her remains in the sea at Port Klang.

It has been more than a month since Cassandra has passed. As everyone else said, it does get easier as days go by. But... the pain and sorrow of loss would always be there. It is imprinted in my heart and forever it shall remained.

"We never get over the loss of someone we love; we just learnt to live with it.". Live with it I must. It is the only choice I have. No matter how heartbroken I am, life must go on. I mustn't neglect my love ones who are still around. I must be strong and live well for myself, my hubby, my angel daughter and those who love me.

I am okay most of the time but then I am only human. I have my moments of weakness. Sometimes the pain and the sorrow is so suffocating and my heart bleeds.... but I must stay strong.

Cassandra, mommy and daddy would always love you and miss you. We will never ever forget you (how can we????). Please watch over all of us and we shall see you again one day when daddy and mommy return to God's kingdom.

Love You Always, our angel Cassandra. :*

Hello Cassandra

Our lil angel Cassandra, you would have been one month old today. Though you are no longer with us physically but you are and will always live in our hearts and memories. 

Daddy & I miss you and love you so so much. May you be our little guardian angel and watch over us until the day we see you again in God's kingdom. 

Forever Love.