I'm Not Afraid

I've been avoiding any occasion or activity that would put myself in the midst of babies, toddler or young children in any way in the past one year, for the obvious reason.

It was simply too overwhelming for me to be among them and I need not explain further. To the rare occasion when I have to be around my friends' daughters (I felt more at ease with boys as they wouldn't remind me of baby Cassandra as strongly as compare to the girls ), I would just ignore them and not interact with them. I didn't even dare to look at them.

Only people who has gone through the same can understand how it feels like. Time may passed but you will never stop loving and missing your own child. And you definitely won't stop wondering and imagining every once in a while.

But I am ready to face the babies and young kids now....

Mid of this month I find myself excitedly discussing with my colleagues about getting a gift for one of my colleague's daughter. I was the one who browsed and ordered the gift online. Then.... I realized I start feeling less emotional or emotionless (depends on what I choose to feel at the moment) when come to things that concern babies or young kids.

A friend called Keith yesterday about his daughter full moon party this Sunday,  when Keith asked me if I am ok to attend, I said, "Ok".

It's not a big deal to other people but to me or the likes of me, it is a journey of healing, a milestone, a progress. :)

Birthday in Heaven

4th July 2015 - Blessed 1st Birthday, baby Cassandra! You have officially turn 1 today.

It's a day of celebration we have been looking forward to. Everyone wish that we cold have celebrated it with you in a different way instead of what we'e done at the park today. Nonetheless, daddy and mommy were very happy because the celebration were joined by other family members and every time when daddy or mommy talk about you everybody in the family is always very supportive and compassionate.  For that, we are grateful.

We hope you get the lovely balloons with our love messages sent to you.

Watch over all of us as we look up to Heaven for you little one.

You are forever loved and forever missed. No matter how short a time each of us had with you, you are loved, always.

Wow!

4th June 2015 - Happy 11th Months Old in Heaven, Baby Cassandra!

Time flies....

It's been 11th months since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter but the memory seems so fresh like it has only happened yesterday. 

Time heals.... But time cannot erase the memories and thank God for that. 
Can't wait for next month to celebrate Cassandra 1st Birthday in Heaven!

Forever Love. 

Imagine

4th May 2015 - Happy 10th Months Old in Heaven, Baby!

You know daddy and mommy never stop missing you.  We have more imaginations than memories of you but we love you all the same. Random 'how would you look like?', 'what you gonna be?', etc. do pop up from either of us from time to time.

Your 1st Birthday is coming up in 2 months time. How we hope we can celebrate it with you where we are instead of you away in heaven.

Miss you more than ever. 

9th Month

4th April 2015 - Happy 9th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Daddy was asking what would you like if you are with us at 9th month old? Mommy told daddy you would be crawling around and start exploring things around you. :)

There's not a day we don't think about you and your cute little face and gestures when we watched you sleep would always stay in our mind.

Love You Much!!

Miss You Much

Dear Cassandra,

Mommy dreamt of you last night. You were looking fair and chubby. Daddy and mommy were playing with you and you were laughing so happily. I can still vaguely hear your laughter even so many hours after the dream.

Mommy shared with daddy about the dream. I was laughing and smiling while telling daddy about how you were and suddenly I heard a voice in my head saying, "but it was just a dream". Right at the moment I couldn't hold back my tears. Daddy immediately wrapped mommy in his arms and tried his best to comfort mommy. But I know daddy misses you very much too and he was also feeling sad when he was hugging mommy.

Your daddy is a great man. He is loving, kind, caring, humble, ambitious and etc.  He has so much good in him. The most important thing is daddy loves and care for mommy loads. And daddy loves you much too. I am so glad we have each other and we are proud to be your parents. :)

Will we really get to see you again like everyone said? We will never stop talking about you and we will always miss you our precious baby girl.

Love you always,

Mommy and Daddy

A Little Regret

4th March 2015 - Happy 8th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Time passes really fast. It has been exactly 8 months since I gave birth to Cassandra. There's not a day I do not think about her and there's no exception today.

A moment ago I had a flashed back on the day she passed. While holding her in my arms heartbroken I asked the nurse (or was it Keith who asked the question?) how soon do they need to transfer our baby girl to the morgue and I remember the nurse replied not more than 2 hours. I only held Cassandra for a short few minutes and soon passed her over to the med team. 

A sense of regret hit me real hard today and I hope that I held her much longer that day. But I've missed the chance and she is long gone.

Life is so unfair. 

Although I've accepted she is gone and move on, I still feel sad, happy, proud, loved and blessed all at the same time whenever I think of our baby. Yes, there are always mixed feelings when you think about your loss child. 

8 months down the road, does the pain gets lesser? The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'. For most days I can breeze through without feeling sad when I think of Cassandra. But there are moments once in a while where the pain is so overwhelming that I find myself choking for air when I cry.

Missing you, Cassandra. 

I Wish We Never Know

Came across this blog today and it really hits the spot. Couldn't have express the feeling better myself.

I wish that we never have to know about this feeling but unfortunately Keith & I do. :(

Ever word in this blog is piercing right through the core of my heart.

https://cullensblessings.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/i-hope-that-you-never-know/

I Had A Dream....

4th Feb 2015 - Happy 7th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Mommy has not dream about you for quite a while but that doesn't mean I think or miss you any less. You see we human memories fade over time and in order not to risk forgetting the dreams I had about you, mommy gonna write it all down.

1st dream

This happened few days after you've gone to heaven. Mommy looking down at you from 2nd floor and saw you sleeping. I went down trying to get a better look of you and to snap some photos. When I reached you I accidentally knocked down the suitcase you were laying in and the suitcase closed up with you inside. I picked up the suitcase immediately but when I open the suitcase, you were different. What I saw was a bloated and foul smelling baby corpse. I was so sad but when I woke up from that dream, I know that was you trying to tell mommy not to hold on to you as you are gone and what left was the rotten flesh.

2nd dream

I was holding you in my arms and you were looking back and smiled at me. No word is good enough to describe how happy I felt at that moment.

3rd dream

I was back at the hospital talking and showing your photos to the obstetrician who help delivered you. The OB then whipped out his mobile phone and start showing me few of your pics he secretly took. So happy!

  

4th dream

You've grown. You were a 1 year plus toddler just started to stand and walk. You were so adorable ad looked so sweet in that cute little dress. :)

Mommy have been wishing to dream of you but all I dreamed about were either super weird dreams or related to work. I hope you are not disappointed with mommy as I have been secretly crying almost every day after seeing birth announcement on FB, or after hearing colleagues talked about their babies, or after reading sad news on how good people are killed in tragic manners, etc. All these make mommy think about you and miss you a lot.

Sometimes, I feel like not knowing your actual caused of death really unsettling but I just had to accept it because if I could turn back time I still wouldn't want the autopsy done because I just can't bear to have your body cut up. You looked so perfect. You were perfect.

Mommy love you always. 

As Life Continues....

4th Jan 2015 - Happy 6th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra. 

It's a brand new year of 2015 and everyone is hoping for a new beginning and a better year ahead.

Before baby Cassandra grew her wings I have decided to only have one child (biological one) and if we plan to have more we will adopt one. It wasn't because I was afraid that my body shape would changed but I was weary about the risk and complication associate with pregnancy and childbirth, But with Cassandra gone (to heaven), I would like to try to conceive again and No, he/she will not be a replacement child. No one could replace the child we have loss. We simply want to have a living child who is of our flesh and blood with our genes. And if it ever feels right, we will still adopt another child.

I've been secretly hoping and praying (well it's not a secret now) that we will have a pair of identical or fraternal twins (different gender) from my next pregnancy. I felt so happy when I woke up this morning as I shared with Keith because I dreamed that we were with our twins! :) I know it was just a dream but it was OK for at least I felt the joy and contentment during that short period of time.

I hope that dream and my prayer will really come true and I know that if it's meant to be it will turn into reality and angel Cassandra will be there to watch over her daddy, mommy and her future little sister and/or brother.

Miss you much as always baby Cassandra. Daddy and mommy will never stop loving you.

Time To Say Goodbye....

We all know that the year of 2014 has not been a good year for many. To my fellow mankind around the world, there were many natural disasters and man made tragedies took place everywhere. To my fellow Malaysians, it has been a really sad year for us as many tragedies and natural disasters took place even right up to the very end of 2014 things are not looking any better. To my friends and acquaintances, many have loss their loved ones unexpectedly. And finally to myself, Keith and my family members who have loss our beloved daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin sister, Cassandra Long Sze Yi.

As much as I tried my best to live happily for myself, for Keith, for my loved ones and for angel baby Cassandra, I couldn't help feeling sad and down after hearing bad news one after another. Since last Sunday I've been in this constant verge of tears because there are really a lot of sadness to take in.

As much as I Hate the year of 2014, I also Love it. Yes, it's a Love-Hate thing. I hate it because so many sad incidents took place not only to ourselves but to people who are close to us. I Love it because it is the year where Cassandra came in to our lives. We wished for our daughter to be with us still but we all know it wouldn't happen. Nonetheless, we are thankful that year 2014 has brought our daughter to us.

As we are saying goodbye to 2014, we pray and hope that 2015 will be a better year for everyone especially all the kind people who have gone through so much heartache this year and very much deserve to have more blessings and happiness in their lives. Being Happy is a choice we can choose at time of distress;It is not an easy journey but it is doable. But it will be good not having to make a conscious effort to be happy.

I don't have much to say as I try not to think too much about everything that took place this year but at least we have something to be happy about, that is at least we had the chance to meet our lovely Cassandra. Although she only lived for 10 days in this world but she has achieved so much more than many people who have lived and passed on at old age. Our Cassandra managed to reached out, touched and healed so many people out there who have came to know her and our story. Keith and I are very proud and honored to be chosen to be her parents. Cassandra will be forever loved and forever missed.

Lat but not least, we sincerely thank you, family, friends and acquaintances near and far, we thank you for being with us through all the ups and downs and we are glad to have you guys in our lives. As I always believe that no matter how bad a situation is there's always something good coming out of it,. Indeed, in the midst of sorrows, we have gained so much more than we could ask for; for that we are grateful and will forever treasure it for the rest of our lives.

So Goodbye 2014!

From: Angel Cassandra

Today we finally have all the gifts bought for the orphans in Rumah Anak Gembira in Klang.

Me and my 2 sisters in law started wrapping the gifts after dinner and it was so fun and fulfilling to do that knowing we will make 10 kids happy and feel loved.

While me and eldest sis in law were wrapping the gifts, my 2nd sis in law was writing the labels for each gift and she asked, "what should we write for the 'From, ??'. Think of a nickname or something". Then, my eldest sis in law replied, "Cassandra". 2nd sis in law looked at me and asked,"Sure? Write Cassandra?". As soon as I recovered from the unexpected answer, I quickly said, "Yes! Write Angel Cassandra. Thank you!" (as I bowed slightly). And eldest sis in law continued, "This is for her". Needless to say, eldest sis in law and myself (the emotional ones) cried a little after that short exchange.

Honestly, I didn't expect anyone would suggest to put Cassandra name with the exception of me and Keith but of course I wouldn't dare to suggest it. This really mean so so much to me and Keith and we feel so blessed and loved that our family members and close circle of friends are always being so supportive. Although we don't really talk about Cassandra much to other family members but on the occasions that we do, the response we get is always very warmth and positive.

We started this charity drive since year 2010 and so far we have the best response this year. We don't know what change but we believe Cassandra has touched many people's hearts and she has planted the desire in their hearts to help the needy.

Thank you everyone for joining us to honor our little girl. :)

All the Love and Prayers to you.

From, 
Angel Cassandra

She is Loved

Took my mom out today to this Mari Market @ APW Bangsar and had our light lunch. We only spent a short 30 minutes there as nothing interest us. We then headed over to BSC to walk around a bit before settled down at a restaurant for tea.

I know the only time my mom saw angel baby Cassandra was on her funeral and I also know both my sisters did not show my mom the artworks of Cassandra done by kind people from all around the world. I wasn't sure if I should bring up Cassandra but I want my mom to look at our precious little girl again and see the beautiful artworks we have received, so I decided to take out my phone and start telling her about the artworks.

At first my mom just casually asked me if we have to pay for all the artworks when I was sliding my phone to show her the photos. Then I noticed a silence after a while so I looked up, and there was the tears on my mom's face flowing uncontrollably.

I immediately keep my phone away and I too was choked and tried to hold back my tears. :(

Although Cassandra was only with us for 10 days and her grandparents,uncles and aunties only saw her once to send her off, but we know that Cassandra is loved by many. She is loved from the moment I had her in me.

We just miss her so much. 

Frozen In Time

4th December - Our lovely baby Cassandra turned 5 months old in heaven today.

'Frozen in time'. That's what came to my mind when I think about angel baby Cassandra because she would forever remained as 32 weeks 3 days old on earth.

The other day Keith was telling me he was also thinking about Cassandra and wonder how she would look like now if she is still with us. The closest image we could imagine is based on baby girls who are about the same age.

I had a dream couple of weeks back and in my dream Cassandra was a 1 year old toddler. I have dreamed of her 4 times since she earned her wings. I like to think that it is the way Cassandra try to stay connect with me by visiting me in my dreams.

Just miss her so very much. 

If you have not seen it, here is the the link to the album dedicated to our angel baby Cassandra which made from the artworks we have compiled to date from many other kind souls.

https://www.facebook.com/liztsc/media_set?set=a.10152734563686768.580216767&type=3&uploaded=1

Have I Failed Them?!

Ever since Cassandra left us, not a day we don't think of her or not miss her. No matter how many days have passed my love for her only continue to grow with time and I miss her even more than before. :(

As fast as I tried to move on and as much as I tried to be happy again, I just can't help thinking, 'Have I failed them?!', Today not sure why suddenly I feel that perhaps I have failed baby Cassandra and Keith. I know people who had premies born around the same gestation or earlier than Cassandra and yet they made it. And one of the factor because their babies were not underweight when they were born and they didn't really have any other complication. For Cassandra, overall her vital signs were good but she was slightly underweight. And perhaps because of that she was subjected to more invasive procedures which led to underlying infections that no one detected.

Perhaps I shouldn't have listened to the lady. Perhaps I should have continue to take maternal milk during my whole pregnancy. Then maybe she wouldn't be underweight and things would be different.

Maybe.

I know it's pointless to think about all these because I can never rewind and redo anything.

Sigh....

Emotional Trip

Due to my previous pregnancy complication, I was transferred from a private hospital to a government hospital. Hence, my normal gynae that I was seeing didn't know about Cassandra passing. I decided to make a trip to see my gynae as to update him about Cassandra and to check how my internal wound is healing.

So Keith and I went to the hospital yesterday and as usual the nurse would take my weight and blood pressure. Right after the nurse strapped on the blood pressure monitor on me, she asked where was my baby as she saw on the record my EDD was on 29th Aug 2014. I simply replied:"My baby is with God". She was shock and silent for a few seconds then she offered her sympathy and continued to ask me more questions as she needs to record it in my file. Needless to say, I got emotional and my eyes got teary while answering a few direct and straight forward questions about Cassandra. And then the blood pressure reading came out, my blood pressure was elevated and that was the first time I witnessed how our emotional condition could affect our BP. And I had an acid re-flux too due to the distress.

Saw my gynae and Keith did most of the talking as I was rather emotional after talking to the nurse. My internal wound was checked and it has healed well according to my doctor. We also checked with him when is it safe for us to try conceiving again and what are the preventive measures needed for the next pregnancy.

Honestly, I have been braving myself to talk about Cassandra when people ask about her 'death' and I must say no matter how many times I talk about it, I still feel sad and the pain has not gotten any lesser. But then again, I like to have someone ask and talk about our little angel coz I feel happy and proud whenever I talk about her. :)

Celebrating the Love of My Life

4th Nov - Today, is the 39th birthday of my beloved hubby, Keith. I am so happy and looking forward to celebrate many more birthdays with him. :) We had a very nice dinner at Vin's Restaurant & Bar in TTDI. At the end of our dinner, they actually sent us a surprise birthday cake (Chocolate truffle with ice cream). The cake was good and the beef ribs and steak we had were superb too. Glad to see my darling enjoyed his day. :)


4th Nov - Today, Cassandra turns 4 months old in heaven. I just miss her so much every minute of every day. Can't shake off the sad feeling especially when I'm on my way home after work every time. How I wish we have our lovely girl to come home to everyday. :(

Life is so unpredictable hence we must always appreciate every moment of our lives.

Are You OK?

We know many relatives and friends do feel a little awkward when they bump into us. Not because we have done something bad to each other nor we have something against each other, but simply because after what Keith & I have been through you sort of caught in a dilemma on what to say to us.

You see if you go on talking to us about anything else and purposely avoid talking about Cassandra, some of you may feel that you are being uncaring for not bother to ask how are we. But then for those of you who do ask, 'How are you?' or 'Are you OK?', I can tell you none of you are prepared for the truth. If we do reply, 'No, we are not OK.', it will put you in a painfully awkward position as you will be loss on how to response or react to us. So far most relatives and friends chose not to bring up the topic.

To make it easy for everyone please allow me to tell you this, we are Not OK. The fact is, we will Never be OK. But Life Must Go On and we know that, so we've accepted the fact and doing our very best to live our lives as normal. We were prepared to be parents and to nurse our child but now we are just back to being a couple (but we are still a dad and a mom even though we don't have a living child to care for).

Hence, a simple question like 'Are you OK?' has become a difficult one for us to answer because if we tell you we are OK, that is not really the truth, but then we can't really say we are not OK either as we are moving on with lives. We are still the same but many things changed in us. It's really complicated.

Celebrating 3 months old in Heaven

4th of Sep, today should be your 3 months old with us but instead you are in Heaven with God and all other angels.

Daddy and mommy miss you so much! And we know that no matter how long time has passed, we will always miss you.

Daddy and mommy agreed to remember you on your birthday instead of the day you have passed but then they have a very nice term for it, it's called 'Angelversarry' so we think it doesn't sound so bad. :)

You must know that even though we are sad that you are no longer with us but daddy and mommy will live our lives well because we know you would want to see us happy. And hopefully God will bless us again with child so you will have younger brother or sister and we can tell him or her all about you next time.

You will always be the most special one in daddy and mommy's hearts. Love you forever, our Angel Baby Cassandra. :)

Be Prepared..... Emotional

Going back to work tomorrow....

There's a mix feeling about going back. On one hand I'm happy to get back to work and meet my colleagues but on the other hand I'm also dreading it.

I believe by now most people in my company would have find out about angel baby Cassandra. If they didn't get the news from my close colleagues, they would have found out via my FB video posted.

But just in case some people may not know about it, I have to be prepared that someone may just come to me and ask how is my baby.

At first I was contemplating whether to asked my close colleagues to just inform whoever they meet in other departments about what happened so it will save me the heartache having to talk about it. But then I know I must face it. Like what Keith said, the sooner we face it and confront the fear to talk (verbally) about it the easier it will get. That's what he did.

So, here I am, preparing myself emotionally. But even so, for those who know and when they come to me and offer their condolence and sympathy, I do not know if I will get emotional or I will be OK.

Either way, I will find out tomorrow.