Ladies Wellness

This is for the ladies. You never see me share such info but I believe this is something worth sharing.

I'm not a fan of Chinese herbs as I do not like the bitterness (no surprise) and I'm always a little skeptical towards the unknown side effects. But something my colleague recommended me recently has actually helps improve my well being. 

Many of my colleagues start telling me that I look radiant and has this healthy glow.  They said I've always looked pale in the past. They even ask if I use blusher as my cheeks look rosy pink these days. Honestly, I do not use blusher as my skin is always sensitive towards make ups.

Hence, I would like to give credits to this Chinese herbs I've consumed past 2 months and thought it's nice to share with you ladies.

It is very economical and you can get it from any Chinese medicine shop. I got mine from a shop in PJ and it cost RM0.70 per packet.

Although the recipe mentioned egg but I am just that lazy so I pass. I only boil the herb/leaves/grass (call it what you like) with the brown sugar.

Hope this will do good to you as it is to me.

Imagine

4th May 2015 - Happy 10th Months Old in Heaven, Baby!

You know daddy and mommy never stop missing you.  We have more imaginations than memories of you but we love you all the same. Random 'how would you look like?', 'what you gonna be?', etc. do pop up from either of us from time to time.

Your 1st Birthday is coming up in 2 months time. How we hope we can celebrate it with you where we are instead of you away in heaven.

Miss you more than ever. 

9th Month

4th April 2015 - Happy 9th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Daddy was asking what would you like if you are with us at 9th month old? Mommy told daddy you would be crawling around and start exploring things around you. :)

There's not a day we don't think about you and your cute little face and gestures when we watched you sleep would always stay in our mind.

Love You Much!!

Miss You Much

Dear Cassandra,

Mommy dreamt of you last night. You were looking fair and chubby. Daddy and mommy were playing with you and you were laughing so happily. I can still vaguely hear your laughter even so many hours after the dream.

Mommy shared with daddy about the dream. I was laughing and smiling while telling daddy about how you were and suddenly I heard a voice in my head saying, "but it was just a dream". Right at the moment I couldn't hold back my tears. Daddy immediately wrapped mommy in his arms and tried his best to comfort mommy. But I know daddy misses you very much too and he was also feeling sad when he was hugging mommy.

Your daddy is a great man. He is loving, kind, caring, humble, ambitious and etc.  He has so much good in him. The most important thing is daddy loves and care for mommy loads. And daddy loves you much too. I am so glad we have each other and we are proud to be your parents. :)

Will we really get to see you again like everyone said? We will never stop talking about you and we will always miss you our precious baby girl.

Love you always,

Mommy and Daddy

A Little Regret

4th March 2015 - Happy 8th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Time passes really fast. It has been exactly 8 months since I gave birth to Cassandra. There's not a day I do not think about her and there's no exception today.

A moment ago I had a flashed back on the day she passed. While holding her in my arms heartbroken I asked the nurse (or was it Keith who asked the question?) how soon do they need to transfer our baby girl to the morgue and I remember the nurse replied not more than 2 hours. I only held Cassandra for a short few minutes and soon passed her over to the med team. 

A sense of regret hit me real hard today and I hope that I held her much longer that day. But I've missed the chance and she is long gone.

Life is so unfair. 

Although I've accepted she is gone and move on, I still feel sad, happy, proud, loved and blessed all at the same time whenever I think of our baby. Yes, there are always mixed feelings when you think about your loss child. 

8 months down the road, does the pain gets lesser? The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'. For most days I can breeze through without feeling sad when I think of Cassandra. But there are moments once in a while where the pain is so overwhelming that I find myself choking for air when I cry.

Missing you, Cassandra. 

I Wish We Never Know

Came across this blog today and it really hits the spot. Couldn't have express the feeling better myself.

I wish that we never have to know about this feeling but unfortunately Keith & I do. :(

Ever word in this blog is piercing right through the core of my heart.

https://cullensblessings.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/i-hope-that-you-never-know/

I Had A Dream....

4th Feb 2015 - Happy 7th Month Old in Heaven our baby Cassandra.

Mommy has not dream about you for quite a while but that doesn't mean I think or miss you any less. You see we human memories fade over time and in order not to risk forgetting the dreams I had about you, mommy gonna write it all down.

1st dream

This happened few days after you've gone to heaven. Mommy looking down at you from 2nd floor and saw you sleeping. I went down trying to get a better look of you and to snap some photos. When I reached you I accidentally knocked down the suitcase you were laying in and the suitcase closed up with you inside. I picked up the suitcase immediately but when I open the suitcase, you were different. What I saw was a bloated and foul smelling baby corpse. I was so sad but when I woke up from that dream, I know that was you trying to tell mommy not to hold on to you as you are gone and what left was the rotten flesh.

2nd dream

I was holding you in my arms and you were looking back and smiled at me. No word is good enough to describe how happy I felt at that moment.

3rd dream

I was back at the hospital talking and showing your photos to the obstetrician who help delivered you. The OB then whipped out his mobile phone and start showing me few of your pics he secretly took. So happy!

  

4th dream

You've grown. You were a 1 year plus toddler just started to stand and walk. You were so adorable ad looked so sweet in that cute little dress. :)

Mommy have been wishing to dream of you but all I dreamed about were either super weird dreams or related to work. I hope you are not disappointed with mommy as I have been secretly crying almost every day after seeing birth announcement on FB, or after hearing colleagues talked about their babies, or after reading sad news on how good people are killed in tragic manners, etc. All these make mommy think about you and miss you a lot.

Sometimes, I feel like not knowing your actual caused of death really unsettling but I just had to accept it because if I could turn back time I still wouldn't want the autopsy done because I just can't bear to have your body cut up. You looked so perfect. You were perfect.

Mommy love you always.