I've been thinking and imagining a lot about how our lives would be now and in the coming future if Cassandra is still with us, alive. :(
Hubby & I was watching a show 'School of Rocks' on TV this evening seeing a bunch of kids performing in the show. My hubby suddenly tearing a little (real man is not afraid to show his true feeling) and instantly I know what was in his mind and I started tearing too. He too was thinking about the same thing as I am, the Life we will never have with her. :(
Men do grief differently from women but nonetheless the father who loss his child is in pain and heartbroken as well. I know how my hubby really feels although he hardly show much emotion when he meets other people even with our immediate family members. Same goes to me. No matter how heartbroken we are and how much we morn and cry when no one sees us, we would put up a smile in front of others. Only those who are in our shoes would truly understand how we feel and to those who are not, though they truly sympathise with what we are going through but crying and grieving in front of them would only make them uncomfortable. The truth is there is no way to comfort such pain. Period. People always say things like 'God has better plan for you' or 'she is in a better place now', on one hand it sort of comforting (but it's short live) but on the other hand it does not ease the sorrow sowed deep in our heart and mind.
Many years ago when a close friend asked why wouldn't we want kid as she feels that a marriage without children is incomplete. I still remember my reply to her, 'No, we don't feel any incompleteness as we are extremely happy with what we have between us so we do not need a child. We are Complete'. It was true then, right up to the day I found out I was pregnant, or to be more precise, the day Cassandra was born. She has open a 'door' in our hearts and we are forever changed. And yes, with her gone now, there in a 'void' in both our hearts. I'm not sure if we will be bless with another child and even if we do, the 'void' will still be there as she is irreplaceable.
I know she is forever gone and nothing can bring her back, and yes I have accepted the cruel fact the day she received her wings. And yet I find myself asking sillily everyday 'Can I have my baby back?'. There will always be good and rough times and I know it will stay this way as long as we live.
Hubby & I was watching a show 'School of Rocks' on TV this evening seeing a bunch of kids performing in the show. My hubby suddenly tearing a little (real man is not afraid to show his true feeling) and instantly I know what was in his mind and I started tearing too. He too was thinking about the same thing as I am, the Life we will never have with her. :(
Men do grief differently from women but nonetheless the father who loss his child is in pain and heartbroken as well. I know how my hubby really feels although he hardly show much emotion when he meets other people even with our immediate family members. Same goes to me. No matter how heartbroken we are and how much we morn and cry when no one sees us, we would put up a smile in front of others. Only those who are in our shoes would truly understand how we feel and to those who are not, though they truly sympathise with what we are going through but crying and grieving in front of them would only make them uncomfortable. The truth is there is no way to comfort such pain. Period. People always say things like 'God has better plan for you' or 'she is in a better place now', on one hand it sort of comforting (but it's short live) but on the other hand it does not ease the sorrow sowed deep in our heart and mind.
Many years ago when a close friend asked why wouldn't we want kid as she feels that a marriage without children is incomplete. I still remember my reply to her, 'No, we don't feel any incompleteness as we are extremely happy with what we have between us so we do not need a child. We are Complete'. It was true then, right up to the day I found out I was pregnant, or to be more precise, the day Cassandra was born. She has open a 'door' in our hearts and we are forever changed. And yes, with her gone now, there in a 'void' in both our hearts. I'm not sure if we will be bless with another child and even if we do, the 'void' will still be there as she is irreplaceable.
I know she is forever gone and nothing can bring her back, and yes I have accepted the cruel fact the day she received her wings. And yet I find myself asking sillily everyday 'Can I have my baby back?'. There will always be good and rough times and I know it will stay this way as long as we live.
1 comment:
I'm sorry about your loss. I imagine I was in your shoes and it got me tearing up. Feeling full of pain. I can totally relate when you said you feel complete then.... until a child came to open your heart to give love. ...
please be strong. Cassandra is the sweetest angel I've ever read.
Post a Comment