Love You.... Always Will Be

Found out I was pregnant few days before Christmas last year. Keith and I were really happy and excited about it as we finally decided to start a family after 11 years of marriage and couple-hood. I have never written down any thoughts during the entire pregnancy as I thought to just keep all the thoughts and memories in my heart and mind. Following is the summary of my pregnancy.

21 June 2014 :
- My amnio sac torn. Diagnosed with PPROM at week 29. On bed rest since.

04 July 2014 :
- Increased reading of CRP and WBC. An emergency C-sect was ordered by MFM.
- Delivered our little angel, Cassandra Long Sze Yi at week 31 at 2:35 p.m.
- Cassandra was found anaemic at point of delivery. 2 blood transfusion were done. Other vital signs were good.
- Cassandra was doing well progressively as days go by.

14 July 2014 :
- Cassandra condition suddenly took a down hill turn and she received her wings at 4:20 p.m.

15 July 2014 :
- Had a memorial service for Cassandra. Her body was cremated at Nirvana Memorial Park. Family and friends attended to see Cassandra for the first and last time.

16 July 2014 :
- First time dreamed of my angel daughter, Cassandra since she has gone to heaven.
- Collected and scattered her remains in the sea at Port Klang.

It has been more than a month since Cassandra has passed. As everyone else said, it does get easier as days go by. But... the pain and sorrow of loss would always be there. It is imprinted in my heart and forever it shall remained.

"We never get over the loss of someone we love; we just learnt to live with it.". Live with it I must. It is the only choice I have. No matter how heartbroken I am, life must go on. I mustn't neglect my love ones who are still around. I must be strong and live well for myself, my hubby, my angel daughter and those who love me.

I am okay most of the time but then I am only human. I have my moments of weakness. Sometimes the pain and the sorrow is so suffocating and my heart bleeds.... but I must stay strong.

Cassandra, mommy and daddy would always love you and miss you. We will never ever forget you (how can we????). Please watch over all of us and we shall see you again one day when daddy and mommy return to God's kingdom.

Love You Always, our angel Cassandra. :*

Hello Cassandra

Our lil angel Cassandra, you would have been one month old today. Though you are no longer with us physically but you are and will always live in our hearts and memories. 

Daddy & I miss you and love you so so much. May you be our little guardian angel and watch over us until the day we see you again in God's kingdom. 

Forever Love. 

Going Strong....

10th Jan 2014. Today is one of the many special day in my life because today marks my 11th ROM Anniversary with my beloved soul-mate, best friend, lover and husband, Keith. :)

Looking back at these past years, there were many ups and downs and challenges in this marriage. We tripped and fell along the way and we are always there to comfort, to encourage, to love, to care, to be the pillar of strength and punching bag for each other. :)

Remembering the time when we decided to tie the knot, we have only met and dated for 6 months. It was indeed a big gamble for us both if you ask me, given that neither of us 100% know for sure that if the other party is really as good and real as who we appeared to be. Well, to-date I can say it was a great risk well taken. It was a great leap of Faith.

After being together for so many years, I must say that many things have changed but yet its still the same. We love and are in love with each other still after 11 years and yet the love we share today is no longer the same as when we first met. It got even better and we know that it will continue to grow even stronger. It is something beyond words.

We are a team. We are not halves that come together that became one. We are 2 own individuals that coming together, joining forces and together we build and share greater things in life. Together, we nurture all the blessings that God has given us. We want to be better person as an individual and for each other.

Happy 11th Anniversary, my dear! Looking forward for many more years to come.... :)

I Love You Always....my one and only, Keith Long. Muaks!!

Venting my frustrations the way I know how......

I just have to get this off my chest. I know those guilty ones would get all upset and defensive. But I don't really care since you don't play your part right.

1. Money does not gives one the excuse to shy away from other duties. Even if you do contribute more financially on certain things (and sometimes you don't), don't order people around like your slaves.

2. Being the majority contributor financially for your child does not make you a good parent. You are merely an egg/sperm donor and ATM machine, if you don't share the other responsibility of your child upbringing.

3. Don't try to brag about those little things you do once in a blue moon when other people are doing it quietly, diligently everyday out of love.

4. Being a senior does not mean you are right in everything and expect the junior to follow your way of doing things.

Money or rank does not make you more superior than others. Of course I know it is none of my business whatever happen between the people involved as I understand most of the time some people are willing to accommodate and compromise due to money or some other reasons. It's their own arrangement.

But I absolutely cannot tolerate when the same things being applies to the other people who are outside the 'arrangement'. Why must others bear with that? And yes, I do know the answer. It's to maintain the peace, of course.

So after venting out my frustration here, guess I just have to suck it up and continue to endure it just like the rest.

Peace.

And I'm Feeling Good...

So I was mentioning about a random act of kindness I did to a stranger this evening and this is what actually happened.

I was on my way home from work and it was pouring heavily and everywhere was jam.

While driving passed rows of bridal houses in SS2, I saw a guy holding an umbrella, a big paper bag and a backpack. He was walking at the side of the busy and wet road very slowly as he was really struggling. He was using a walking aid because I noticed he has polio.

In that split second, I decided to offer him a lift. So I stopped my car at the side (at the front porch of a bungalow (it's a bridal shop), asked the guy where is he heading and I told him I will give him a lift. 

Due to his disability and all the things he was carrying, he was really struggling. Seeing that, I just got down from my car, in the rain, I unload everything from him and put everything in my car while he slowly get into my car. While I was standing in the rain loading his stuffs in my car, and my car did not block the road at all, some drivers actually honked at me and there were a few purposely drove near the pool of water and we were splashed (yes, there are some inconsiderate ppl out there). Sad. :(

Apparently the guy is in his 30's and he is going for his wedding photo shoot tomorrow so he was actually running some errands for tomorrow event.

So after got him and his stuffs settled in my car, I drove him to the laundry and helped him to picked up his shirts for the photo shoot and then dropped him to the hotel he is staying.

It was a simple gesture to help someone who obviously in need of a helping hand, never mind the rain or got splashed by dirty water. It was all worth while. :)

How Will I Die?

I can't help but always wonder how will I die?

In general, my health is not really in very good condition since young. I always experience lots of pain here and there without knowing what is the cause of it. With the exception of the CT scan I did a few years back due to frequent severe migraine attack, I have not really seen any specialist to find out if there is really something wrong with my body or am I in high risk of certain diseases.

About two to three years ago, my body started to react very differently towards certain things.  I would get this sharp 'electric-shock' like pain on my entire face when I got a shock or being frighten suddenly and the pain is excruciating. The pain would last for few good minutes and sometimes a small part of my face would feel numb for a brief moment. I shared this to a GP before about this condition of mine and all I get was being ridiculed by the GP. It was as if I've made something up and there is no such health 'condition' exist. :(

I also get anxiety attack when I am stress and when I get panic. Not sure it has anything to do with age catching up or my stress tolerance threshold getting lower.

Another condition I'm experience is food allergies and I always have swells and growths at my lymph nodes, mostly at the side and back of my ears, neck and head and when it get really bad it would extend to my face a well. I know part of it is due to my food allergies and another part I do suspect there may be something wrong with my lymphatic system. Sometimes I would get this stabbing pain near my lymph node at the back of my ear(s). Though the pain is bearable most of the time, it is really annoying and uncomfortable as it also affecting my sleep.

I just hope I would not just 'switch off' and leave this world without saying a proper goodbye to my love ones. That is exactly what happened to my dad. No known sickness and one day his system just snap and my dad was gone just like that within minutes.

Honestly, may be I'm just worrying too much and being too paranoid. Hope there is nothing wrong with my health. -_-

We Are Malaysians. We Are One.

I am more disappointed with those who are still arguing and making racism remarks than the loss battle of GE13.

I really don’t like to keep using word like Malay, Chinese, India, etc. as we are all Malaysians. Period. But in order to state my point clearly I would have to do so. Thus, please pardon me.

It saddens me to see some of the fellow Malays’ brother and sisters fighting among themselves due to different opinions. And NO, despite some of them always like to say, “the Cina are very happy seeing us Malays fighting with each other”, we take no pleasure in that. 

Do you think all the Chinese in Malaysia don’t fight among ourselves? You think we see eye to eye in everything? Same goes to the Indian, Kadazan, Iban and other races in this land. We all have our differences but we learnt to put away our differences and we unite and fight together because we have the same goal, Ubah (Change). Not because we are Malay, Chinese, India, etc., it’s because we are Malaysians. Why do you think the majority of Chinese voted against MCA and chose representatives from PKR of Malay ethnic instead?

Bersih and PRU’s Ubah Manifesto are not a battle among races. It is a battle of the Rakyat against the corrupted government ruled by BN.

There are many fellow Malays still fearful that Chinese would take over Malaysia if Pakatan Rakyat becomes the new government. Come on my friends, please be realistic. Malays are the majority in Malaysia and if without any blessing from the Malay community, you really think Chinese can take over Malaysia?! I can tell you, Not A Chance. Look at other country when the Leader is not favourable by the majority, it only lead to one thing, CHAOS. And none of us want that.

Stop asking those of Chinese ethnic to balik China, Indian ethic to balik India nor Malay ethnic to balik Indonesia. We will not be received and treated as their own. To them we would just be immigrants. We are Malaysian. All our nenek moyang came to this land many many years ago and we all belong here, Malaysia. This is our land, this is our Home.

There are good and bad people in all races and religions. Neither one race nor religion is better than the other. Judge not a person base on their race nor religion, but the individual’s value. 

I have lived among Malay communities since the age of 12 ever since my parents moved to Shah Alam. We have live in harmony all these years and we always look out and help each other whenever necessary. In the past 10 years, many Chinese have moved out from Shah Alam but not my family. Since my dad passed away in Dec 2011, while sometimes my sisters or myself not able to take leave to assist my mom on something, my mom would have no problem seeking any help from the neighbors. All are very helpful and in fact they would go the extra mile when needed without my mom asking. 

Because of my childhood experience, I am never racist. We need each other equally in different aspects. Without each other support among all Malaysian it would be hard for us to move forward as a nation.

Many have to understand that we who voted against BN, are not against BN, we are just against the corrupted individuals. If BN is willing and sincerely repent and to set things right again, we would love to have them continue to govern Malaysia in many years to come, after all, they have the experience and despite of all the corruptions, they have also contributed a lot and we have much to be thankful for.

So let’s put away our differences and together we fight for a better Malaysia and a better government. 

One Love and Peace.