Have I Failed Them?!

Ever since Cassandra left us, not a day we don't think of her or not miss her. No matter how many days have passed my love for her only continue to grow with time and I miss her even more than before. :(

As fast as I tried to move on and as much as I tried to be happy again, I just can't help thinking, 'Have I failed them?!', Today not sure why suddenly I feel that perhaps I have failed baby Cassandra and Keith. I know people who had premies born around the same gestation or earlier than Cassandra and yet they made it. And one of the factor because their babies were not underweight when they were born and they didn't really have any other complication. For Cassandra, overall her vital signs were good but she was slightly underweight. And perhaps because of that she was subjected to more invasive procedures which led to underlying infections that no one detected.

Perhaps I shouldn't have listened to the lady. Perhaps I should have continue to take maternal milk during my whole pregnancy. Then maybe she wouldn't be underweight and things would be different.

Maybe.

I know it's pointless to think about all these because I can never rewind and redo anything.

Sigh....

Emotional Trip

Due to my previous pregnancy complication, I was transferred from a private hospital to a government hospital. Hence, my normal gynae that I was seeing didn't know about Cassandra passing. I decided to make a trip to see my gynae as to update him about Cassandra and to check how my internal wound is healing.

So Keith and I went to the hospital yesterday and as usual the nurse would take my weight and blood pressure. Right after the nurse strapped on the blood pressure monitor on me, she asked where was my baby as she saw on the record my EDD was on 29th Aug 2014. I simply replied:"My baby is with God". She was shock and silent for a few seconds then she offered her sympathy and continued to ask me more questions as she needs to record it in my file. Needless to say, I got emotional and my eyes got teary while answering a few direct and straight forward questions about Cassandra. And then the blood pressure reading came out, my blood pressure was elevated and that was the first time I witnessed how our emotional condition could affect our BP. And I had an acid re-flux too due to the distress.

Saw my gynae and Keith did most of the talking as I was rather emotional after talking to the nurse. My internal wound was checked and it has healed well according to my doctor. We also checked with him when is it safe for us to try conceiving again and what are the preventive measures needed for the next pregnancy.

Honestly, I have been braving myself to talk about Cassandra when people ask about her 'death' and I must say no matter how many times I talk about it, I still feel sad and the pain has not gotten any lesser. But then again, I like to have someone ask and talk about our little angel coz I feel happy and proud whenever I talk about her. :)

Celebrating the Love of My Life

4th Nov - Today, is the 39th birthday of my beloved hubby, Keith. I am so happy and looking forward to celebrate many more birthdays with him. :) We had a very nice dinner at Vin's Restaurant & Bar in TTDI. At the end of our dinner, they actually sent us a surprise birthday cake (Chocolate truffle with ice cream). The cake was good and the beef ribs and steak we had were superb too. Glad to see my darling enjoyed his day. :)


4th Nov - Today, Cassandra turns 4 months old in heaven. I just miss her so much every minute of every day. Can't shake off the sad feeling especially when I'm on my way home after work every time. How I wish we have our lovely girl to come home to everyday. :(

Life is so unpredictable hence we must always appreciate every moment of our lives.

Donations

Sometimes really don't know to laugh or cry when there are random people come up to you and ask for donation and if you refuse them they kind of give you the look as if you have no heart nor empathy.

Today I was having tea with Keith and his sis. Someone came up and ask for donation so Keith signed the paper to donate but he had no small change so he asked his sis for the money first. I think that guy mistaken Keith and his sis were husband and wife and I was their friend or something. So he asked me to donate too and I shook my head. The guy tried to pestered me and then Keith said "it's ok, we donate together' to the guy. Then the guy gave me the 'stare' while thanking Keith and his sis very fervently.

The truth is me and Keith always make donations randomly every now and then. So when those people give me weird stare sometimes I really feel like telling them how much or where I have donated so please don't think ill of me. But then again, why does it matter, right? We don't have to make announcement and tell the whole world each time we make a donation coz no one really cares.

As long we have a clear conscience and we know we have do our part giving back to the society then it is good enough. If we have to donate to every home we will not have money left for ourselves. :/

Are You OK?

We know many relatives and friends do feel a little awkward when they bump into us. Not because we have done something bad to each other nor we have something against each other, but simply because after what Keith & I have been through you sort of caught in a dilemma on what to say to us.

You see if you go on talking to us about anything else and purposely avoid talking about Cassandra, some of you may feel that you are being uncaring for not bother to ask how are we. But then for those of you who do ask, 'How are you?' or 'Are you OK?', I can tell you none of you are prepared for the truth. If we do reply, 'No, we are not OK.', it will put you in a painfully awkward position as you will be loss on how to response or react to us. So far most relatives and friends chose not to bring up the topic.

To make it easy for everyone please allow me to tell you this, we are Not OK. The fact is, we will Never be OK. But Life Must Go On and we know that, so we've accepted the fact and doing our very best to live our lives as normal. We were prepared to be parents and to nurse our child but now we are just back to being a couple (but we are still a dad and a mom even though we don't have a living child to care for).

Hence, a simple question like 'Are you OK?' has become a difficult one for us to answer because if we tell you we are OK, that is not really the truth, but then we can't really say we are not OK either as we are moving on with lives. We are still the same but many things changed in us. It's really complicated.

Celebrating 3 months old in Heaven

4th of Sep, today should be your 3 months old with us but instead you are in Heaven with God and all other angels.

Daddy and mommy miss you so much! And we know that no matter how long time has passed, we will always miss you.

Daddy and mommy agreed to remember you on your birthday instead of the day you have passed but then they have a very nice term for it, it's called 'Angelversarry' so we think it doesn't sound so bad. :)

You must know that even though we are sad that you are no longer with us but daddy and mommy will live our lives well because we know you would want to see us happy. And hopefully God will bless us again with child so you will have younger brother or sister and we can tell him or her all about you next time.

You will always be the most special one in daddy and mommy's hearts. Love you forever, our Angel Baby Cassandra. :)

Be Prepared..... Emotional

Going back to work tomorrow....

There's a mix feeling about going back. On one hand I'm happy to get back to work and meet my colleagues but on the other hand I'm also dreading it.

I believe by now most people in my company would have find out about angel baby Cassandra. If they didn't get the news from my close colleagues, they would have found out via my FB video posted.

But just in case some people may not know about it, I have to be prepared that someone may just come to me and ask how is my baby.

At first I was contemplating whether to asked my close colleagues to just inform whoever they meet in other departments about what happened so it will save me the heartache having to talk about it. But then I know I must face it. Like what Keith said, the sooner we face it and confront the fear to talk (verbally) about it the easier it will get. That's what he did.

So, here I am, preparing myself emotionally. But even so, for those who know and when they come to me and offer their condolence and sympathy, I do not know if I will get emotional or I will be OK.

Either way, I will find out tomorrow.